sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
