I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.