you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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