I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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