Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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