I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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