omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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