I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
