I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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