What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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