you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Dick very happy bro
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
