I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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