I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
