My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
