So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
