Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
