Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
