I just made out with a guy for $7.
no, he came in my armpit
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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