Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
