I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
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