i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
