so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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