I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
