We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
