Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
