Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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