is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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