I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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