Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
