He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
