My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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