woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
