I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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