My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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