I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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