I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
