Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
