mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
