True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
