god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
