and she was petting her beer can
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
