dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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