It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
