I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
where are my eyebrows?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
