Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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