Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
