you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just want to make out with him forever
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
