I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
