Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
