if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
