Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
