You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
