Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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