I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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