:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
