and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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